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5:30 a.m.

- Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Trying again to express feelings.....

Its been quite a while now since I've written in my diary, from the heart. I ask myself why? Well its because I'm not sure how I am or how I really feel. Aside from that fact, I think I will attempt to write what thoughts I have been contemplating on as of late. Difficult as it is, I will try. The profession I have dictates that I should be intune with my feelings and emotions. Excuse me? but with your upbringing, dear woman, you were taught not to live according to your feelings or emotions and not to admit that you are human, or that you make errors in judgement and make mistakes like everyone else. In reality, you are worthy of having feelings and emotions and it is okay to express them. In fact it is the healthy way of coping with life. Express your feelings the best way you know how, striving to be assertive and non threatening in the manner in which you attempt to express your feelings.

Easy to say, but there are times in life when a person feels they have been wronged. That their loyality has been troddened upon. Times when a person feels as though their generousity, kindness, love, goodness and friendship has been taken advantage of by another, blatantly and in total disregard for your humanhood.

This thought process brought my memory to the handful of times that another person has wreaked my wrath.

In wondering why, I have come to this conclusion: when I am hurt I lash out. When I lash out, I can become, at times irrational and say hateful things. I hurt and I want the focus of that hurt or the perpetrator to suffer as I suffer.

There have only been a handful of people who have seen my wrath. You know who you are. The way I saw it in that particular place in time, my feeling was: " if you are able to dish it out, the misery and rationalize your right to do so, well by God you best be able to handle the same in return." One person in particular comes to mind, who was able to dish it out and not "take it". Who would ,judge a person without all the facts, read into and perceive that which was not even areality, then treat another person as if what they conjured up in their heads was indeed reality. The same person had the audacity to consider itself "a victim"!. Oh my god! D ear lord. What a twisted view that person had. Well that person managed to wreak my wrath, tenfold. That person lied, so i in return lied (BTW I abhor liars!) But an eye for an eye, at the time.

I was amazed at the turn of events. I knew and had insight into what I was saying and doing. I admitted my role in the fiasco. The other person knew the part they played, but to the world that person ran around crying wolf "I've been wronged". When in reality, that person was the wrong-doer and this woman just put it right back on top of them. But because they did not want to admit their fault or contribution, I was made out the bad guy.

Well it boils down to this: if I have been kind, gentle, generous, loving, attempted being your friend and you play mind games or take advantage of my generosity and friendship, well best be ready for a backlash. I do not like being taken advantage of , nor do I take kindly to a person making me out a bad guy, when I was, in reality, (keyword here is R E A L I T Y ), I was the woman whose person and humanhood was troddened upon. GET REAL!

I have a real hard time dealing with dishonest, disloyal, perhaps even deluded people. People who have a history of using others, using people with no regret or remorse. That comes really close to being classified as an antisocial personality. Damn! And YOU know who you are.

The biggest lie, and I laugh, is saying that I STALKED them. (judge for yourselves. See how the man is a compulsive liar. SEE THE COPY OF COURT ORDER IN DIARY POSTING TITLED: Restraining order 1998 - Saturday, Jun. 21, 2003 ) Give me a fuckin break! Never in my life have I stalked anyone, or would I even consider wasting my time. The stupid fucker!! To this day, I cannot fanthom what HE had/has for brains. The really sad note here, is HE actually believes HIS lies. Told so many times, that HE actually truly believes them, his deluded lies. That is sad part. But then, he has was always known as a compulsive liar. (dig this: he has the audacity to go around telling people that "she's a compulsive liar". Go figure! ) Anything to get the much, HIS MUCH needed attention. (BOY does he get pissed when you call him or confront him about his behavior, or inform him how rediculous he sounds to others. He does not like being called-on his distortions of reality.) Oh well, I suppose that person should be pitied.

I know for a fact that the HE jumps around the internet (even to some gentle-men) but mostly from one woman to another, telling HIS tales-of-woe, to whoever will listen, his incessant attention seeking, blah blah blah. And those women, unwittingly fall prey to the "charm" and lies, as I did. But if you dont challenge the HIM, you will be fine. If you say things to HIM like "Aw that musta been really difficult." or "MY God how could someone do such a thing". Wow, you'll be in good with that HIM. (OH and don't forget: it is a bonus if you have something in your life the HE feels HE can "fix". Makes the HIM I refer to, feel as if he is needed, wanted, important and secure in HIS own tiny, pityfull wasteful life, in his little world of make-believe>>AHEM>>>I mean: HIS distorted, twisted thinking process).

This same person, as I have mentioned in other postings in the past, has sexuality issues stemming way back to childhood and the relationship with the now deceased mother. (Methinks mommy was busy with her friends and didn't give the person enough needed attention as a youngster, so that , as an "adult" (in HIS case calling HIM an adult is stretching it!)... HE is constantly yearning and seeking out other women, to help heal the void or unconscious memories of being abandoned . Hmmm... abandonment issues and an inner hate for women...hmmmm..)Thats another story in itself. The HIM confuses friendship with lust, love and hate, all rolled up in one neat package. There is always some woman, this particular person can blame HIS feeling of inadaquacy, rage and hate upon. And guess what? This writer is one of the happy winners/recipients.

Like I give a royal shit. That person, had with me, as a loyal friend, a potential friend for life. But HE fucked it up and fucked with me! Well you can wreak the aftermath, probably until your dying day. Because, god-dammit, one of these days you're going to have a guilty conscience, when it hits you, and rest assured, you will suffer the consequences of your actions. Again, I reiterate: it is called Karma.

I am able to forgive but I will NEVER Forget! That is the bottom line.

Okay that was a bit rough around the edges, but I am rusty at this writing stuff. There is always another time. Perhaps I can do better with expressing my feelings. The past few paragraphs really weren't quite my "real" feelings or expressive enough, but it is the best I can do, for now.

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