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Disclaimer
~~~~~~~~~~DISCLAIMER~~~~~~~~~
Initially my diary began as a way to work through my unresolved questions and frustrations with a relationship I had with a man which began in the summer of 1997 and ended the end of January 1998. In November of 2002, I had Diaryland invite the same man to view this diary of mine privately. However, shortly thereafter, he chose to allow others to share in reading my diary., Not I, but he made that choice by allowing someone else to read what I wrote. I discovered this by the diaryland sitemeter which my membership had attached to my diary that tracks the IP numbers of persons who visit and read my diary. I became very angry and frustrated because of it and stated so in my diary. Meantime, somehow many of my diary postings mysteriously disappered one day. I assumed, as usual, that I deleted them by mistake when I was in a hurry and wasn't paying attention.
What I write in my diary are my feelings, good bad, ugly, right or wrong. They still are my feelings. The feelings belong to me only. This is my diary and it belongs to me, for me to write in. I have good days and I have my bad days like everyone else.
Just for a basic understanding, I will state a few things about myself: I have Bipolar Affective Disorder. In addition, 3 years ago, I was also diagnosed with ADD which helps me understand why I am the way I am. Doesn't mean I like it, but it helps me understand a bit better.
The guy I originally invited to privately read this diary, made many webpages about his personal frustrations with me and incorrectly has said I have Multiple Personality Disorder, probably because he was driving me so nuts when I lived in NH, that I never knew which end was up with him. My mood was always changing because his mood was. He was the most fickle guy I've ever known. Naive me. I should have known that if he was lying to his wife all along, that he was most likely lying to me too! WOw to find out later, he fibbed to my daughter also! When I confronted him about his untruths, his response was only "I have my reason". What rationalization? He never was able to make up his mind and then would abruptly change his mind, sometimes make plans with me, change his mind, then not inform me that he'd change his mind. Crazy making actions., I'd say.
Then since 1997, his telling people that I am whore! In all my life with Dean, that guy was the only man I have "physically" been with besides Dean! What a turd blossom the NH man. Enough to drive any woman nuts! All that stuff goes against my grain. To find out later, none of that stuff with the NH man would have even occured had I not been going through menoupause at the time! So he was just a "fluke". Same type of thing happened with my mother when she was going through her "change" also. Runs in the family. The "slip". Except in my case, I took it too hard and ended up with a nasty depression that put me out of commission for a long time.
All I was able to do was barely go to work at night. Even at work, I would be minding my own business working at the desk, doing doctor orders or other paper work, when the tears would start flowing, unwanted. Night after night. At times, my tech would catch the tears rolling down my cheeks. I had to explain to my tech that it would all pass in due time and try to ignore it. I got my work done and cared for my patients. Thank Goodness that I was able "to cover" around my patients; that the tears never came when I was working directly with my patients. Never mind another story...I'm being tangential, again.
To this day, the man doesn't know much about me, women or mental illness for that matter. The guy is a hubby, father, truck driver, and truck mechanic. And from what I hear is good at all of above, or at least tries to be. But what would he know about women and mental illness? Probably as much as I know about fixing trucks, is my guess.
As a psych nurse I found it difficult to accept that I have ADD. Thinking back to when I was a kid in 7th grade, I remember always getting good grades, "straight A's", but I always needed to read and re-read everything. Even in college, it was the same. And the focusing and my going off on a tangen when I write in my diary. All part of the ADD. They also diagnosed me with dyslexia. Three years ago initially, I went in for neuropsych testing because I was frustrated with my forgetfulness. The short-term memory was going kaputs. I thought I was getting demented. Nope. They gave me the additional diagnosis of ADD with Dyslexia, along with the Bipolar Affective Disorder. I also have Speech Dyslexia where I mix words up, where the wrong words come out. Gets me in trouble sometimes. Oh well. Back to my disclaimer....
I have many skeletons in my closet. As do many other people. I try to be a straight arrow. There are things in my past that if I had to do over, I may not have done. I can't take back time. Things were meant to be as they have been. I wouldn't be who I am today if life were not the way it has been.
Anyone who reads my diary does so on their own, at their own expense. This originally was meant to be for one person's eyes only, however he chose to make it for more then his eyes. He chose to make my diary for the public. If anyone takes offense, perhaps they should not read my diary and should leave and go else where. I will not be held responsible for anyone who chooses to read my diary. My writing is for me, to release my feelings and for the healing of my emotions.
Over the past 6 years I have suffered from many flashbacks due to what has occurred to me in 1997 and because of the man I spoke of from 1997. The writing in this diary is helping me to release my frustrations, to heal and to finally feel better about myself and others. Over my 50 some years I have lived a good life. Along the way I have made a few mistakes and have hurt or emotionally injured a few people. For that I am sincerely regretful. I cannot spend the remainder of my life feeling guilt.
There is not a day that goes by in which a certain person enters my mind each day, a person who I will carry in my heart with gentle regret and who I will forever love. A piece of my soul lies and a piece of me died in my ancesteral state of New Hampshire. I do not expect anyone to understand what I speak of here. When I went to New Hampshire in August of 1997, I gave up part of my life in Minnesota, that I will never be able to regain, as I also lost something near and dear to me in New Hampshire when I returned to Minnesota after I tearfully said goodbye to my home in NH, then drove off on that cold winter night on January 29th 1998. I returned to my birth state only because there was a man in my home state who needed my support because of his many medical problems which continue to this day. If it was not for that man and my personal loyalty to him as a person I would still be in New Hampshire.I owe Dean my life. He was the man who, 23 years ago, took up with a single mother with 2 young daughters. I have been indebted to him since. Long ago, the light had flown out of our relationship for many reasons. I promised myself when I met him, that as long as I lived that if at all possible, if I were able, anything, Dean asked of me I would try my best to abide or do for him. In mid January 1998, Dean informed me of his upcoming surgery early February and asked that I be there when he had his surgery. I met with the man from NH and informed him of my intentions during the 2nd week in January. He has thought it fit to tell people that he told me I had to leave NH. He may have, but that is NOT why I left my ancesteral state of New Hampshire. I cannot be bullied. I can have my feelings hurt but I cannot be bullied into doing something I do not want to do.
In the 2 weeks prior to leaving NH, it dawned on me that the man had been using me for his own selfish reasons and that I had been a lonely, naive woman not seeing the light and not trusting my God-given instincts. Usually in life I was able "to see the evident" and trust myself. Not in the Autumn of 1997. In all fairness to the NH guy, I must state here that I think sometimes he meant well, but he had his own personal delemna which he was battling. At the time, I believed him to be female dependent. Besides, alot of the fiasco was my doing: I should have trusted myself what I read his eyes many months before. However, I had, and still have this strong love for the man, probably always will. I informed him once, "you just don't stop loving people". He once said "Oh, you can't love a person only after a short period." Not true. In all honesty he is a good man. He does not understand this woman writing here, and I don't expect him too. Too many times he misconstrued my intentions. I believe it is because of his difficulty in trusting, his tendency for suspiciousness, slight paranoia, anxiety, and probably guilt at being unfaithful to his commonlaw wife. Remember they have "history together". Forget that a woman gave up everything in Minnesota. She would never be able to go back to anything substanstial in Minnesota ever again. She'd given that all up in August 1997. Oh well, too bad for her. The daughter had manipulated the man with her lies in an attempt to get her mother back to Minnesota. What is waiting for her back in her home state? Two adult kids who don't have have any time for her and still don't. A guy who has a television for a mistress and still does. Who requested and, BTW she just bought another 32 inch tv with sound around. Talk about a fool of a woman. Spoil the guy. Buy him everything he wants! Even his Harley. I have a lifetime debt to pay. My word is my word. Tis life.
The NH man states in my old guestbook and elswhere on the internet, in various chat rooms, that he despises me and rightly so. He has his feelings and I have mine. All I know is that he will never see what role he has played in all of this and will probably never accept his own responsibility. I accept that he is unable to do so for whatever reason. It really is none of my concern. He considers himself faultless. And I am the guilty one. The "evil" one, so he contends. So be it. Some people are unaware of the meaning of "insight". (my feelings for his reasons for his derogatory statements re: me, I write in diary entries at varying times.)
At no time have I ever sent his family members any of my correspondence or paperwork or forms. Years ago, I may have made idle threats in anger, as he himself has done toward me. Anyone who knows the both of us, know that we both need to be "pushed" to the limits before we really get angry or react in anger. He will deny it, however, but we are very much alike. I think he always thought of me as some kind of a dumb shit which I am not. We both are highly intelligent. I once said I would never divuldge anything to his wife. I never have. I only did an idle threat and inquired as to a fax machine. Once! My word is my word. I a 100% positive that he knows that when I give my word , my word is Gold. I never broke any of my promises to him. Ever! Not to this day. No one could have found a more loyal friend then myself.I believe I was "used" to keep his wife "in line". I kept my word. I never divulged anything about "us" to his wife. But he did! He purposely hurt his wife and told her about us. He didn't need to do that. Telling her was pure selfishness on his part. He told me she already knew. Of course she knew. She is a woman , a smart woman. Plus it doesn't take any smarts when your hubby is gone all night, night after night to determine that he is up to no good, especially if he has the history of doing the same in the past, with yet another woman? SO then, why make matters worse for her? Just dig the the knife in a little deeper, why don't you? Was he afraid! Was he being cruel to his wife or trying to protect his own butt? Maybe trying to get to her before he thought I would? He did not or could not trust me. Why should he? I think he had it planned that way. Who knows? What does it matter now? Then ontop of it all, he would later tell chat friends " I don't think I would have had anything to do with her, except I was depressed". Bulltweed! At the time, I attempted to get him to understand that he was depressed. He would catagorically deny any depression. I gave him handouts and forms that I thought him and his wife could use to help both of them. He probably did not read any of them.
During that time, no one twisted the NH man's hand to drive on over to my house in the wee early morning hours or anytime for that matter. The man did everything on his own will power. He knew exactly what he was doing, when why and his "reason" for doing what ever he did with me. Recall, he "had his reason". All I know is I have another poor soul's grief, besides Dean, on my conscience, because of my selfish behavior. There is much I am striving to forgive myself for. As I had told Dean 23 years ago, I had also told the NH gentle man. "I would do anything for you." His quiet response at the time: "I know you would." My statement comes in part from the caretaker/codependent part of me that I have had difficulty shaking all these years. I am aware of the flaw. I also don't think much of the almighty dollar either. I have been known, with the BPAD, to give huge amounts of money away. Over the past 3 years I have given my word to lay off with "rescuing" people. My word is my word. My integrity is something no one can take away from me no matter how hard they attempt to discredit me. It is what I think of myself that matters the most to me. My integrity.I am making good progress at finally forgiving myself and others. I apologize again for being so tangential in writing this disclaimer. As always, I do the best I can at the time. Like my mother once said: "there is no such thing as a perfect human being. All we can do is try..."
I have changed the names in the diary to protect the innocent and if any names seem to remind people of any one in real life, it is just a coincidence because it could be that I have chosen names which may, by sheer conincidence, be the name of a person bearing the same name. If you read my diary, you do so at your own risk. As I said before, if you take offense at what I write, perhaps you need to leave and go elsewhere. No offense is intended. If you have a beef with me, please do not address it in my guestbook. Send an email. It may take a while, but I will answer all email.
